But how can I trust?...
Every single night before I go to bed, I can't breathe. This has happened the past week and a half. I have seriously thought of every single reason why this can be. And then I realize, I felt this exact way last May. Anxiety. Guys, anxiety is so real. I have struggled with Anxiety for years now. And it is to the point that I can honestly not even be physically worried about anything and I get the symptoms. Why? Because my far inside my mind, I actually am worried about something.
You know, being in Dallas, I have no spiritual mentor. I have no counselor. I do have my medication and Essential Oils, but I do not have that physical relationship with someone who can walk me through my thoughts and what is causing me to not sleep at night. Last night I honestly thought I was going to die in my sleep. Crazy right? I felt like a gorilla was on my chest. I took extra anxiety medication and used my inhaler. Maybe there is something that I am allergic to... like Texas (Texas allergens are absolutely the worst). But now I know what it is. My mind is going crazy. So I am about to just spill it out for you all.
Isn't it crazy how you can be so spiritually mature and feel like your relationship with Christ is so good when things are actually messing up in your life? The Enemy. He will make your life miserable when you are extremely close to God. That was me, last year. I was hurting. But I was so close to Christ. Now,... I have no idea where God is. Things have hurt me in this world and I have began to question who He truly is. And honestly, I am so scared to be sold out for Him like I was last year, because I know what the enemy will do to me. And I never want to go back to that... but then again I do. I miss that relationship with God. I miss knowing His character, fully. But I am so scared. I am so scared to open up to Him. I have seen death, disease, addiction, and broken relationships all throughout these past few months.
Lately I have been trying to do everything on my own. And that has resulted in this pure anxiety. Even though I can't find the true result of this shortness of breath, this dizziness, these heart palpations- and what is causing them right off of the bat; I do very well know that I am trying to do every thing all at once and not trusting in the Lord to help me. We weren't meant to live this life on our own. We can't make it out alive with out Hope in Him. You see it everyday with suicide, celebrity lives crashing, divorce, etc. We are beginning to see that there is something worth surrendering to. I am literally writing this to myself. This post is definitely for me. Digging into why I am really stressed is that in the back of my head I am stressing over if I am going to have a good turn out for my Floral Design Workshop, did I order enough decor, are all of my clients going to show up to the meetings this last week of the quarter so I can bring in all of my commission? Yep... that's why I have anxiety. But I am scared to give it to God.
Yes, yes... ADD right now. My thoughts are always all over the place! (LOL) Have you ever thought, why am I actually praying? I can pray so hard for my grandmother to get out of the hospital and for that scan to not come back positive for cancer, but if it does... it was God's plan right? That is the very reason why I have not asked, prayed for, or trusted in God to help me in situations. I am scared I will be let down. I HAVE to have a better perspective on this right? You know.... this would be the time I come back around and say "But the Lord says...." and give you a reason why we should trust in Him. But for right now, I don't have the answer. Right now I am still saddened by all that has broken my heart these past few months. I hope very very soon I have this answer. I hope that God gives me a word soon that He is the only hope!
The 4 blog posts I have on "Draft" right now all are titled with sad, depressing titles. Probably a reason why they are still in "Draft". To my readers, to my friends, family, subscribers- I am supposed to have it all together. I post beautiful images. I show them how fun my life is, which it is, don't get me wrong. But there is something that "influencers" don't do much- and that is be RAW. And I think that is the most beautiful thing of all. Being raw and real. And tonight. I am being real.